Henny Youngman

[ajlposh]

As far as I'm concerned, this man doesn't have a topic yet, so I decided to make one for him. All I can say is is that he was one hell of a funny guy. What are all your thoughts on him?

[Morto]

'take my wife......................PLEASE!!!"

[cachluv]

Henny Youngman






AKA Henry Youngman


Born: 16-Mar-1906
Birthplace: London, England
Died: 24-Feb-1998
Location of death: New York City
Cause of death: Pneumonia

Gender: Male
Race or Ethnicity: White
Sexual orientation: Straight
Occupation: Comic
Nationality: United States
Executive summary: Take my wife, please
Wife: Sadie Cohen (m. 1928, d. 1987)



FILMOGRAPHY AS ACTOR

Goodfellas (19-Sep-1990) Himself
Amazon Women on the Moon (18-Sep-1987) Himself
Death Wish II (20-Feb-1982) Himself
History of the World: Part I (12-Jun-1981)
Silent Movie (16-Jun-1976)
Won Ton Ton, the Dog Who Saved Hollywood (26-May-1976)
The Gore Gore Girls (Dec-1972)
Nashville Rebel (1-Jan-1966) Himself

Author of books:
Take My Life, Please (1988, memoir)




http://cgi.ebay.com/Henny-Youngmans-...QQcmdZViewItem







Italian Jokes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!


Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

[cachluv]

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"


Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

[cachluv]

Polish Jokes

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Relative Jokes

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Smart Guy Jokes

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Wife Jokes

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Take my wife, please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Uncategorized Jokes

God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

[cachluv]

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Job Jokes

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Longer Jokes

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned: "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug - "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

[Guest]

Henry "Henny" Youngman (March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998) was a British-born comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners," short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. His best known (and oft misattributed) one-liner was "Take my wife—please".

In a time when most comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman’s comedy routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These gags depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line. He was known as the King of the One Liners, a title bestowed upon him by columnist Walter Winchell. A typical stage performance by Youngman lasted only fifteen to twenty minutes, but contained dozens of jokes, spouted in rapid-fire fashion.

Youngman was born in Liverpool, England, and his family moved to Brooklyn, New York, when he was young. He grew up in New York City, and his career as a comedian began after he had worked for a number of years at a print shop, where he penned and published a large number of “comedy cards”—cards containing one-line gags that were sold at the shop. The comedy cards were discovered by up-and-coming professional comedian Milton Berle, who encouraged Youngman and formed a close working friendship with him. Berle quipped about his friend, "The only thing funnier than Henny's jokes is his violin playing."

Encouraged by his family to learn the violin, Youngman’s start in show business was as an orchestra musician. He led a small jazz band called the "Swanee Syncopaters," and during the band's performances, Youngman often told jokes to the audience. One night, the regular comedian didn't show for his performance, and the club owner asked Youngman to fill in. Youngman was a success, and he began a long career of stand-up, telling one-line jokes and polishing his act to razor sharpness. His generally inoffensive, friendly style of comedy kept his audiences in stitches for decades. He started his career playing in clubs and speakeasies, but his big break came on the Kate Smith radio show in 1937. His manager, Ted Collins, booked him on the popular show, where he was a great success; he made many return appearances to the radio.

During the 1940s Youngman tried to break into the movies and become an actor, but he was unsuccessful in Hollywood. He returned to the nightclub scene and worked steadily with his stand-up act, performing as many as 200 shows a year. Working with writer/producer Danny Shapiro, Youngman recorded a "live" album for National Recording Corporation in 1959 at the Celebrity Club in St. Louis. The album is still popular today in CD, and is a frequent iTunes download.

Like many comedians, Henny Youngman treated his profession as a working job, one where it is difficult to make a living, and getting paid for the work is all-important. In numerous interviews, Youngman’s advice to other entertainers was to "nem de gelt" (Yiddish for “get the money”).

He was quoted in an interview with the Web-based magazine Eye: "I get on the plane. I go and do the job, grab the money and I come home and I keep it clean. Those are my rules. Sinatra does the same thing, only he has a helicopter waiting. That's the difference."

When the New York Telephone Company started its Dial-a-Joke line in 1974, over three million people called in one month to hear 30 seconds of Youngman's material—the most ever for a comedian.

Youngman never retired, and he performed his stage act in venues worldwide until his final days. As his fame passed into legendary status, he never considered himself aloof or above others, and he never refused to perform a show in a small venue or unknown club. In a tribute to Youngman, TV and animation producer Mark Evanier described Youngman in a way that emphasized both his money consciousness and his love of performing:
He would take his fiddle and go to some hotel that had banquet rooms. He'd consult the daily directory in the lobby and find a party—usually a Bar Mitzvah reception—and he would go up to the room and ask to speak to whoever was paying for the affair. "I'm Henny Youngman," he would tell that person. "I was playing a date in another banquet room here and one of the waiters suggested you might want to have me do my act for your gathering here." He would negotiate whatever price he could get—$200, $500, preferably in cash—and he would do his act for them.

Youngman made numerous appearances on television, including a long-running stint on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In. In 1955 he was host of a TV series titled The Henny and Rocky Show, appearing with champion boxer Rocky Graziano. He had cameo appearances in several movies, including History of the World, Part I and Goodfellas.

He had a larger role in Herschell Gordon Lewis's The Gore Gore Girls , a fact he denied vehemently. He made a few recordings, most notably The Primitive Side of Henny Youngman, recorded "live" in St. Louis and released by National Recording Corporation on the NRC label. The CD is still in print.

His published autobiography is entitled Take My Life, Please!.

Youngman's last movie appearance before his death was in the Daniel Robert Cohn film Eyes Beyond Seeing, in which he has a cameo as a mental patient claiming to be Henny Youngman.

Personal life

Youngman's wife, Sadie Cohen, was often the butt of his jokes ("My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen!'", or "my wife's cooking is fit for a king. (gesturing as if feeding an invisible dog) Here King, here King!") but in reality the two were very close, with Sadie often accompanying her husband on his tours. Youngman remained married for over sixty years until his wife's passing in 1987, after a prolonged illness. While she was ill, Henny had an ICU built in their bedroom, so she could be taken care of at home, rather than in the hospital (Sadie was terrified of hospitals).

Henny explained the origin of his classic line "Take my wife, please" as a misinterpretation: in the mid-1930s he took his wife to a show and asked the usher to escort his wife to a seat. But his request was taken as a joke, and Youngman used the line countless times ever after.

Youngman had two children, son Gary and daughter Marilyn. Gary started his career screenwriting and directing, and thereafter continued to work in the film industry in various capacities. Gary is best known for his 1976 film Rush-It!, which introduced the filmgoing public to a number of soon to be very famous actors and actresses (John Heard, Jill Eikenberry, Tom Berenger [in his debut part], others). After Rush-It's lukewarm reception, Gary removed himself from the public eye - he then lived a quiet life in California.

Youngman developed pneumonia and died on February 24, 1998, at the age of 91. He is interred in the Mount Carmel Cemetery, Glendale, New York, next to his wife, Sadie. With the exception of a week following his wife's death, and the month he was in his final hospital stay, Henny was renowned for having worked almost every day for over 45 years without vacations or other breaks.

[midnitelamp]

a Jewish guy steps off the curb and is hit by a cab. the cabbie rushes up and asks him:are you ok? [Jewishguy,breathing heavily in some pain] I make a good living

[Bidmor]

'take my wife......................PLEASE!!!"

...said to be the shortest joke in the world, and I understand it's engraved above the entrance to the Comedian's Hall Of Fame or some such institution