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Thread: Wanna Hear A Joke?

  1. #1701
    PurrPurr Guest
    As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

  2. #1702
    PurrPurr Guest

  3. #1703
    PurrPurr Guest


    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

    "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

    "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

    The pastor fainted.

  4. #1704
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    3,846
    A dyslexic man walked into a bra.......
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "Do mind the pedestrian, Richard."
    - Hyacinth Bucket

  5. #1705
    PurrPurr Guest
    Linda was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

    He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

    The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

    A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

    The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008...and Linda is a blonde.

  6. #1706
    PurrPurr Guest
    Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: the publisher who prints everything you write, an agent, or Santa Claus?
    A. The agent. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
    Q. What's the difference between publishers and terrorists?
    A. You can negotiate with terrorists
    Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
    Three guys are sitting at a bar.
    #1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
    #2: "What do you do for a living?"
    #1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
    #2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
    #1: "What do you do?"
    #2: "I'm an architect."
    The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
    #2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
    #3: "I guess about $13,000."
    #1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"
    How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.
    Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"? She was having contractions.

  7. #1707
    weirdjohn Guest
    Shakespeare walked into a pub and the landlord shouted Get out you're bard!




  8. #1708
    PurrPurr Guest
    Deaf/Hard of Hearing Joke of the Month

    Two older women run into each other outside an exclusive department store. The first woman is carrying lots of packages and it's clear she's been shopping.

    Woman 1: I don't know why we haven't seen you around the club lately. I ran into your doctor and he said he told you to diet and exercise.

    Woman 2: Really? I thought he said, "Buy it and accessorize!"

  9. 11-01-2014, 12:38 PM

  10. #1709
    PurrPurr Guest

  11. #1710
    PurrPurr Guest
    A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
    "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
    The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I’ll need my horse."
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    The cowboy whispered something into the horse’s ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.
    "Second wish," said the Chief.
    "I’ll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.
    The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.
    "This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."
    "I’ll need my horse again."
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse’s head, and put his face right up to the horse’s.
    "I said POSSE!"

  12. #1711
    PurrPurr Guest
    A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
    "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
    The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, Iā??ll need my horse."
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    The cowboy whispered something into the horseā??s ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.
    "Second wish," said the Chief.
    "Iā??ll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horseā??s ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.
    The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.
    "This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."
    "Iā??ll need my horse again."
    "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
    The cowboy grabbed each side of the horseā??s head, and put his face right up to the horseā??s.
    "I said POSSE!"

  13. #1712
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    3,846
    There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "Do mind the pedestrian, Richard."
    - Hyacinth Bucket

  14. #1713
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    18,062
    I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage — Nathan Caton

    More here: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertai...-1227161691609
    I am a sick puppy....woof woof!!!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Carping the living shit out of the Diem. - Me!!
    http://www.pinterest.com/neilmpenny

  15. #1714
    PurrPurr Guest
    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

    I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

    She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

    Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

  16. #1715
    PurrPurr Guest
    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.


    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.




    The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."


    "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.


    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."


    Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.


    He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.


    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

  17. #1716
    navallint Guest
    LMBO, good one, Purr

  18. #1717
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    1,181
    A friend told me this once and I snorted drink out of my nose... of course it's all about the delivery:

    "Know what's worse than a worm in your apple?"

    "...The holocaust."


  19. #1718
    PurrPurr Guest
    A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

    "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

    "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

    Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know ... a little peace and quiet?"

    "Yeah. But today is the last day!"

  20. #1719
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Netherlands
    Posts
    482
    Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
    Some compare Elvis to God.. I mean He is good, but He is no Elvis

  21. #1720
    PurrPurr Guest




  22. #1721
    PurrPurr Guest
    COMING HOME DRUNK:

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
    Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
    Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
    (Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.
    She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
    Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

  23. #1722
    PurrPurr Guest
    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

    “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

    She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
    1) You have to be single and
    2) You must be Catholic.”

    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

    “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

    The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

  24. #1723
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
    Posts
    154
    Why did Aaron Rogers cross the road?
    He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

  25. #1724
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    905
    A man says to his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm ?" she says "cos I don't like to disturb you at work ."
    Peter Kay , great English comedian.

  26. #1725
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    6,737
    Why can't Hitler drink tequila?

    Because it makes him mean.
    A faulty hypothesis forming:
    A German scientist using Iranian physics and French mathematics.



  27. #1726
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    1,336
    Quote Originally Posted by JimC View Post
    Why can't Hitler drink tequila?

    Because it makes him mean.

  28. #1727
    PurrPurr Guest
    Jose arrived from Mexico for a new life in America. He soon enjoyed many things about his new homeland, often writing to family and friends back in Mexico about his latest American adventures.

    One day Jose wanted to see a baseball game but all the seats were full. He spotted a flagpole, climbed it, and accordingly positioned himself at the top. Jose was able to view the entire game without obstacles, but especially loved hearing the national anthem.

    Jose told everyone back in Mexico about the baseball game experience and how nice other people were to him, adding how the singer asked, "Jose can you see?" at beginning of national anthem.

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